I have to stop looking, it hurts too much.
Just finished registering for classes. It’s so annoying and aggravating. Sometimes I don’t even know if it is worth it.
Even a rock can be comfortable if u have to sleep on it for 3 years
—old saying
Yep….i just don’t know what to do. I’m so tired of everything. I feel so lonely too.
Looking back at it I have definitely been to sappy in this blog. I write when I feel the strong need to do so. The only problem though is that when I am feeling something strongly, and i decide to write about it, I get really involved in my writing. Getting that involved makes me get a bit dramatic when i write. Like at times it is definitely justified, but seeing how dramatic everything sounds it makes me not want to share the fact that i even have a tumblr. I don’t want ppl to look at what i’ve written and think I’m crazy or pathetic, or whatever. I still kinda want to share though.
It’s me again. Writing this blog that will never be read, from a spot where I will never be seen. I have a love/hate relationship with the fact that this blog will never be read. I love it because I know that I will never fell the need to sensor myself. I feel no pressure from the people reading and from the people that could potentially be reading. No need to worry about saying something that i might regret later. However, their is a part of me that wishes someone would read what I wirte. to know that someone cares enough to be interested in my life. there is this other site that i used to blog on. I used to literally write something here and then take the best parts and put it on that site. Every blog on that site had numerous comments. It was a great feeling to know that people cared about what i had to say. The only problem is that that site isn’t what i need right now. To be completely honest this site isn’t what i need right now either, but it helps to chase away the lonely moments. So for right now i’ll let it slide. What I really need to be doing is some writing in my real journal, an actual notebook, and my story ideas book. Although I need to start writing in both I would like to at least start writing some stories again. Especially if I think i might want to try and become a writer in the future. I have so many raw ideas, but it’s hard to put them all together. I hate to admit is, but it has become especially hard sine i left high school. My friends often acted as a sounding board for my ideas. Granted i never talked to them about any of my real stories that i actually want to seriously write some day, but we would come up with the craziest stories about the most random things. they helped to keep my imagination alive. I miss the part of me that was left in high school. Unfortunately, i think that i’ll never be able to get it back.
It seems like the more I learn the less i understand. I am very smart. Not prodigy smart or anything like that, but smart enough that in a class of people I’m noticeable. Anyway the smarter I become the less I seem to know. I spend hours learning things about all these different subjects, math, literature, poetry, philosophy, chemistry, etc. I spend all this time learning about things that are meant to have real life applications. That are meant to teach me something about life and the people and things around me. However, the smarter i become the more alienated i feel. Not because I’m too intelligent, but because the more i pursue intelligence the less social i become. I have literally spent hours in since school has started studying love and poetry, but any time i get a chance at love i become at a loss. A loss not for words, but for confidence. I completely become at a loss for what to do and say. I am way to awkward. I try to talk, but everything feels wrong. I don’t know what to do.
I was going to leave it like this. I was going to make that my last post and leave everything off on a positive note. It’s been a little over a year, feels like a century. In all honesty things are a bit better then they were before. I have a few more friends, good ones.money is still tight, but i have more then i did before. Honestly i do still have a lot of problems, socially, mentally, family wise, but it isn’t anything i can’t deal with. I realize that now. Worst case scenario I wait until i can move out. That gives me a great amount of hope. The idea of moving away after college. Maybe to somewhere on the west coast.
